The Poop on How Men Think in the Floataceous Era
The Poop on How Men Think in the Floataceous Era
A Dissertation by Corliss Buenavida
A few people have told me that I do too many blogs about pooping and peeing but not enough about farting! Good point, I’m going to tell you about my fart thoughts shortly.
And some people have told me I just do too many blogs about poop altogether, “You’re not in grade 5 anymore!” Well, unfortunately for you, here’s another one.
I was getting ready to go out on a bike ride, had just finished my morning constitutional, i.e. taken a dump, but still had my robe on while I was plotting my route on my phone map app.
Then I felt what I thought was a post poop fart coming on so whilst leaning against the kitchen counter I decided to let out the gas and lo and behold a little mud puddle lands on the floor much to my dismay and surprise.
Well after a quick clean up I made my way to the bathroom to make sure everything was cleaned out and then continued getting ready for the ride, all the while considering my state of sanity and health as I get along in years.
“Is it time for adult diapers? Should I start thinking about a nursing home?”
What I should have said to myself was, “You didn’t consider that Fart Potential very well!”
This shocking event was pre-envisioned by me, when on a beach visit the day prior, a tiny bit of sand blew in my mouth while we were shaking out our goods for departure. I stated, “I hope that sand doesn’t have Canada Goose shit on it. We’ll know if I get sick tonight!”
I guess it took a few extra hours to run its course and it wasn’t much with no other ill effects – but it ran.
What a shitty source of inspiration! Yet, inspired I am.
Mankind, as opposed to humankind, make up slightly more than 50% of the humanoid earthling population based on chromosomal evidence. The majority of countries and regions in the world have more females than males but the two most populous countries, India and China, have higher male populations. Are they killing female babies again?
Whatever the case, this brings the male world total to 50.27%. Therefore, speaking on behalf of the majority; poop is funny!
And necessary.
Prior to 1971 females outnumbered males, so farts were not fun back then. However, still necessary.
Now getting back to talking about poop; I’m a man, that’s what we do. We do it from childhood up until we can't make cohesive sentences anymore; that’s just who we are.
We love to talk about poop. Why do you think one of our greatest exclamations of amazement is ‘holy shit’?
It actually starts before we can talk. You will have probably noticed it if you have been fortunate enough to enjoy the baby diaper changing experience. If you happen to have your eyes on the face of the lovely load maker prior to the reek catching your nose you can tell if the wee one is male or female based on a smile or frown upon defecation.
As we become boys and then so called men we start to brag with pride about how big our craps are. So much so that a toilet has become a throne.
We joke about it all the time. Here is some very unsophisticated toilet humor at your bidet-ing.
Poop jokes are not my favourite but they are a solid #2.
People who tell you they’re constipated are full of crap.
Why did the lady stop telling poop jokes? Everyone told her that they stink.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom!
What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!
And finally, what does Superman call his toilet? The Super bowl.
And now it’s time to talk about farts.
This was originally going to be a separate blog titled, ‘No One Said There Would Be Math!’ However as this is a dissertation I needed to fill in a bit more space.
I’m not going to be joking here; this is serious business from a scientific perspective. Some of the information you are about to read can be taken in to your personal real life experiences in order to be better prepared for gastronomical pressure release events in group situations.
That proposed title comes from an equation which is determined by multiplying the sound produced by a fart verses the smell produced by the released gas. Combined they make up FP, or Fart Potential.
S for Sound (which is in fact a far more complicated equation taking into account loudness, better represented technically by Sound Pressure Level and Frequency of the sound waves in conjunction with Duration) x N for Noxiousness (detectable smell) = FP or Fart Potential
You might ask, “What about silent but deadly farts?”
This is taken care of in the Sound sub-equation which is too detailed to go into among us common lay people but safe to say that when the math is done there is always a measurement which is more than zero.
Just to give you a hint at what I am referring to the Sound Pressure Level (SPL) measurement is the basic measure of the magnitude of sound and is usually expressed in decibels (dB). It represents the fluctuations in air pressure caused by sound waves compared to the ambient atmospheric pressure. Frequency measures the number of sound wave cycles per second and is expressed in Hertz (Hz). Different sounds have different frequencies, and noise measurement often involves analyzing the sound across various frequencies. It is not only those factors but the equation also considers the variations within each fart’s sound.
For example, a long but diminishing fart, you know something that sounds like a dump truck gearing down while descending a hill. It gets strong SPL readings initially but they reduce gradually.
Or perhaps consider a loud wet bubbly fart that comes out like a staccato series of popping snaps. There are a lot of factors to measure and that is just the Sound part of the equation.
You won’t need to worry about this in everyday conversation but from a technical view point all sound measurements change dramatically based on garment tightness and body position. For example if you are wearing your skinny jeans and sitting on a hard chair you will demonstratively change your cheek slapping action creating a completely different sound portion of your FP equation compared to standing naked but bent over to pull some lint from between your toes. The former may create a high pitched squeal while the bare bottom stance is likely to resonate with bass tones. Yet, both when measured will reach the same sound reading; the S.
On the other side of the equation is the stench or N reading. In the real world smell is often difficult to measure so all scent components in any FP equation are based on a predetermined set of olfactometry test results from an intestinal gas study done at England’s University of Cambridge in 2007. Olfactometry analysis is a standardized methodology used for determining the concentration of odors, combining an olfactometer with human panelists. (I wonder how long it took to find volunteers for that?) The analysis takes into consideration both how offensive the odor is and also its lag or ability to continue to offend you after initial introduction.
For the purposes of an FP equation a 1 to 10 scale has been created with 10 being bad, nasty, evil, clear the room stuff. Again zero is not a possible score.
Getting back to the basics, what is Fart Potential? Truly it is just a number which represents a fart’s score. Bad fart – high score; meaningless gas – low score.
Each fart gets that score based on how loud it is times how much it stinks. So, if you have a very quiet release and nobody can catch a whiff, unless they happen have their face stuck between your legs, that fart will get have a very small FP. However if you let one rip that stops conversations all across a convention room floor and then all those people go running for the emergency exits, well that fart, will have an extremely large FP and you should see a doctor.
As I stated in the beginning of this segment, you don’t have to worry about the math. That is just for the lab geeks and nasal sensory fetishists.
In practice, guessing the FP of a fart prior to release is what is important and again only if you are in a setting which requires concern about these types of matters. If you are a dude with a bunch of your pals on a canoe trip then who gives a shit, unless you are trying to light up some ‘blue angels’. However, in a small conference room with a potential client and a bubble loaded in your chamber you may want to think pretty hard about the FP of your next release. It’s all about detect-ability.
Only you can pre-judge your score. What have you had to eat and drink in the past 24 – 48 hours and how does your metabolism work? How noisy is the space you are in? Where is the return air duct located and how well is the room circulating air? How well do you know the people you are sharing the space with? Is Ralph known for his flatulence – pawning it off on him could be an easy out? And of course, how tight are your drawers (or your ass for that matter)?
Let’s use the example: Last night’s dinner consisted of chipotle bean tacos with a stout beer and you are at a semi-casual breakfast work meeting with a pick-at-it buffet and mingling. You rushed out this morning before you were able to take to the throne but have had a coffee and another is now in your hand as you take a bite of raisin bran muffin.
For me this is very straight forward. What ever gets out that isn’t solid will have a high FP. Find the nearest toilet as soon as possible and clean out because you’ve got some nasty shit in there that nobody else in the room is going to enjoy this morning the way you did last night. Those coffees and the new nourishment are going to apply pressure down your tubing and if you start a conversation with that cute new gal from the central division you may have to do some severe sphincter pinching to the point of losing your train of thought and then you will act stupid. Worse yet, you want to laugh at her jokes because you realize she is funny too but you can’t laugh because then you might let one slip and all this lovely banter will be for naught but if you don’t laugh you either look stupid again or just mean. Go to the bathroom – she will still be there when you get back.
Another example might be taking an overseas flight in which you are wedged in a middle seat. You haven’t eaten much and most of it was bland and one glass of wine won’t cause much trouble. Probably a low FP and you are on a cushioned seat so sound shouldn’t be a problem especially with almost everyone wearing headsets or sleeping. You don’t know the folks on either side of you so I say sneak one out but be sure to have your air vent flowing for quick distribution. Also be cognizant that when you finally do get up from your seat un-trapping remnants there may be a secondary whiff available to the adjacent public. No harm just a wee bit of foul!
In any airplane scenario where you think your FP has a much larger number – go for a walk.
But Corliss, “What’s with the equation, S x N =FP?”
A Fart’s Potential, its FP can be big or small, that number cannot change, but with training one can reduce a large N amount by converting it into a large S number through Flatulence Transference. Going the other way is possible too but I haven’t found much of a purpose for that yet. A noisy but safe fart is much more acceptable than a quiet nasty taint. Flatulence Transference makes a potential stinky fart come out as noisy with a relatively easy aroma on the schnoz.
How the science of this works is a little over my head but apparently by releasing the stinky gas in a quick burst, which is what increases the loudness, it interacts with the fresh air surrounding your cheeks more rapidly than one that seeps out through a clenched sphincter, thus reducing the bouquet.
Isn’t science wonderful!
When does this become handy knowledge? The answer to that is setting dependent. You may want to try Flatulence Transference during a rock concert or while passing a construction site. Any loud environment has some promise as long as it is not a small closed in space with just your butt and someone else’s nose.
Alright, I have to stop myself there. As legit as it all sounds, it’s just a trumped up theory with no basis in reality. I apologize for stringing you along and as soon as this has been posted for a month I will be converting it to an April 1st (Fools posting).
Not farting beside a cute girl is just common sense.
There is no FP, nor Flatulence Transference. There is however a lot of truth to quieter farts being smellier than noisy farts. Here is the ‘why’.
Loud farts often contain a higher proportion of odourless gasses such as nitrogen, hydrogen and methane (yes, methane is an odourless gas) which are mostly from swallowed air taken in while eating and drinking.
Conversely, low volume, quiet, smelly farts usually contain small highly concentrated but potent, sulphur-containing gases, like hydrogen sulphide, which are part of bacterial fermentation of food. That’s the truth!
A quick web browse and you will find there are multiple sites and blogs dedicated to flatulence some of which contain real science and some with fanciful rhetoric. Here is an example of one of the more prominent sites: ICEF (Invisible College of Experimental Flatology). They have fart sound generating pages plus some amusing posts regarding such diverse subjects as ‘Unquiet Meals’ and ‘Did Winston Churchill fart during an interview on February 2, 1950?’
As for my morning inspiration, my liquid fart, I will have to completely re-evaluate my equation!
Gotta go!
Corliss
beerfloat.calm = beerfloat.net not beerfloat.com
