Summer Musings
Show and Talk
FLOATER’S BLOG: Floating in a Haze Date - July 17th, 2026
I know, I haven’t posted much recently. After my fortunate appearance on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert during his last week of broadcasts all that fame and what goes with it has gone to my big yellow head. So many Hollywood parties, a week on Shiek Yerbouti’s yacht, my whirlwind romance with Zendaya – who has time to blog?
Never-the-less I did jot down a few notes here and there which I have now amassed in this monthly muse/rant.
Let me start off with what has happened most recently. Way up yonder (and west some too) in what we in Toronto call Northern Ontario, trees are burning. The dispersed smoky remnants have decided to follow air currents directly over our city creating what is being listed as the worst air quality in any major metropolitan area on Earth.
This has curtailed a float I had planned on a local waterway as residents are being asked to avoid any strenuous activity such as making deep inhales to fill a vinyl tube or two. What a perfect example of why a floater should have a battery-operated electric pump as I wrote about in a previous blog regarding float inflation – Valvitis!
In any case the air pollution is so bad they are telling us to not even venture outside unless you need to. So, I can’t go out to play and there are no World Cup games to watch, what else am I going to do – work on a blog.
In that regard, I am curious if you read my previous posting about the World Cup? Did you get the ‘world wearing a cup’ image? Clever, huh? Or just stupid? Maybe I should have put a little more into that one?
Oh Earth, you’re such a jock!
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And now to something which amuses me – GOAT.
It’s an acronym primarily used in sporting culture for Greatest Of All Time which has only recently been popularized by today’s texting ethos. The odd thing is it is the exact opposite of how I grew up using the word ‘goat’ in relation to sports. I learned it as a short form for scapegoat, as in the athlete who makes the biggest blunder which causes a team to lose a game or even a championship.
Going from being the worst to the best has to be the greatest inspiration of all time!
After hobnobbing with the rich and famous for the past month or so I have learned how to be an asshole. At first, I fought it but as I brushed away the paparazzi for the umpteenth time as if they were annoying gnats I realized I was a natural and went at it wholeheartedly.
I started my asshole era by letting the chunky people of the world know what I thought of their poor lifestyle choices. This was actually more difficult than you would think when running around with the Hollywood elite because everyone is either a natural super model or does body sculpting. Also, in the United States I can’t use the same lines as I do when I’m in Canada because of the way our health systems differ. In Canada, in my new arsehole mind, I think fat folks should be taxed at a higher rate proportionally to how they will be using our free health care system with much more regularity.
But weight, there’s more. Oh, now I’m just blubbering on…
Seriously though, obesity is at crazy high levels in our modern world and people need help so don’t hold back - tell them they are fat. They will love hearing it from you because maybe then they will do something about it.
Perhaps suggest some easy exercise like getting on a bicycle. Maybe they will see me out there being an asshole cycling nazi to all bad riders who ignore stop signs and red lights. I don’t have a problem with an Idaho Stop (more on this subject in a separate yet to be published blog) but the ones who really irk me are the parents who are either towing their tots in a trailer, have them in a child seat attached to their bike or are riding with the kids on their own bikes. Honestly folks, do you really want to teach your children to disobey laws at such a young age? And why do they think a pedestrian crossing symbol means it is time to start pedalling when there are still three seconds before the light turns green. Learn the rules of the road.
What’s the point of going early anyway? The rest of us (who are usually the minority) are just going to catch up to you at the next red light anyway. Do you feel like a winner because you got there first?
The other bike riders who are very tiresome for me are the ones breaking all the vehicular laws and then complaining to automobile drivers for any slight infraction they may incur. So, it’s okay for you to barge through an intersection but as soon as someone else does it, you are up in arms? Get over yourself and your double standards!
Speaking of cycling, on a fairly recent ride I was able to witness my first genuine digital shackle – an ankle bracelet monitor. Very cool! I am only assuming but I suspect the man wearing the jewellery was on probation and/or given some day release employment as he was busy working with some other dudes unloading goods from a truck. In stereotypical form he was covered in tattoos including his face. No wonder he turned to crime, like it or not, the well-paying job market gets a lot smaller looking like that. At least the device is waterproof so he can still enjoy a float!
This brings me to my next thought - tattoos. Remember when they were trendy?
Recent research shows the tattoo removal market is valued between $1.29 billion and $1.55 billion, with industry reports forecasting it to surpass $3.7 to $4.8 billion by 2034 and equalling the tattoo application market. Increased “tattoo regret” and lowering costs with new technology are making mistakes disappear.
It makes complete sense to me with all the bad art on skin out there that we are forced to view. Here is one of my typical conversations with someone sporting an unrecognizable ink job.
Corliss: “How did you get that terrible bruise?”
Inkee: “It’s not a bruise, it’s a tattoo!”
Corliss: “Why would you get a tattoo of a bruise?”
Inkee: “It’s a flower / monster / heart / name / face / totem (or other). See there’s the petal / tail / chamber / eyes / symbol (or other).”
Corliss, twisting my neck to get a few other angles: “I still don’t see it?”
Inkee: “It didn’t come out quite the way I was hoping. I should have planned ahead of time. We were kinda drunk.”
Corliss: “Why don’t you just tell people it’s a bruise? You could say you got it rescuing a cat / in a sky diving accident / bar fight / luge incident / returning from space (or other).”
Get it done right or not at all. And make it something worth displaying! Just not on your face.
Another first I experienced recently was seeing a commercial on TV for MAID, Medical Assistance in Dying. Yup, that is legal here in Ontario under the right (or wrong) circumstances, but this on-air promotion is new to me. I’m completely for it as long as all the correct parameters are met but you can be sure there are a lot of people, especially in the Republican states who are wholly (and holy) opposed. I can hear them saying, “If someone wants to die, I’ve got a gun!”
My final thought for this post is in regard to those fine folks out there who like to add far too many emojis to their messages. My new standard response includes no symbols, just the phrase, “10,000 emojis”. It’s just easier.
There is a strong possibility some of the statements you have read in this blog are not entirely true. I suspect my mind may have been clouded by wildfire smoke (or other) inhalation.
Just a reminder people, with all this summer heat, I know you are going to be getting in and on the water. You can share your wet and wild beer float experiences on our ‘floater fotos’ pages - show us your float, even if you have stretched tattoos on your spare tire!
If a goat can do it, you can too!
That’s it, I’m done,
Corliss
10,000 emojis
beer float.calm =beerfloat.netnot beerfloat.com
